I've Got Sunshine on a Hospital (Cloudy) Day

It seems lately all I've been doing is messing up. I see the ones I love hurt and it takes everything in me not to pull up a chair to cry with them. They have told me I am the reason for all those tears. Not because of my story, but how I've been treating everyone. Lately I've been going to other friends for support and I'm afraid that has broken some hearts. I do this not to aggravate, but to simply broaden my friendship circle. It's hard to stay positive is a world that is so fragile. I talk too much or I talk too little, no in between. Now don't get me wrong, compared to other kids at my school, I'm a dream child, but something hasn't felt quite right since the diagnosis. I feel the mood of the rooms I enter change, but not because the people have changed, it's because I have. Reality has hit me and how I handle life is completely different than non-disease Hailey. I choose to be happy and healthy. I choose not to let moods effect how I feel. It's not that I am ignoring people, I just can't afford a negative attitude at a time like this. I have become more honest, but I haven't stopped caring.

I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, second chances, and I think God is too. I forgive others quick and easily, but I have yet to figure out how to forgive myself in the same comparison. I have made plenty of careless mistakes in my past, but if it wasn't for God's nurturing compassion to forgive me I'd still feel ashamed. This week, along with volunteering at the DSG Walk and a church dance, I got the chance to see Meet the Mormons in AMC theaters. It shared the stories of Mormons around the world and their journey through happiness and regulations. During all six stories, tears were shed, hearts were moved, and smiles were brighter than ever! One story stood out to me and I'm taking this moment to share with you what I took back from it. A non-Mormon mother at age 16 gave birth to a beautiful, baby boy. She raised him alone, scared, and with no guidance. She then had another son, would died shortly after being born. Most people would turn their backs to the lord, but she opened arms when a woman saw her break down in a local gas station. The church introduced her to her future husband and her son is now servicing a mission in Africa. The story taught me you can't escape God's love and he is willing to forgive at all costs. The hardships we face now will help us later in life. They make us stronger and strength our testimony in countless ways. The inspiration those families brought was incredibly moving and I recommend going to see the movie for yourself!

Group selfies at the movies is always a great idea!

Today I went to the hospital for IV treatments like any usual Wednesday. It has became a daily routine to drink water, put on sunscreen, and take pills. IV treatments last about two hours and I get back to school during 3rd hour, plenty of time to do homework! The nurses by now have my breakfast/movie order to a science! Jumanji, biscuit & gravy, and fresh apple juice. Next door to me was a 16 year old girl who was diagnosed with Lupus in May. She hasn't attended school since August. Her first set of treatments didn't work, she is back at square one attending the hospital once a month, and she continues to hurt constantly. I decided to visit her room for the fact I've never met a teen girl like me. (and hopefully someone has told her, but she was beautiful.) I said hi as I felt the tension and shyness in her meek voice. By not attending school, she has closed herself off from the world around her. It makes me think about how different Lupus has effected her. I promised myself right when I found out I had Lupus I wouldn't let this stop me from living a normal lifestyle. Lupus can't control me if I have control of it. The world is our stage and we can choose to hide in the dark or shine bright for all to see, smile and all! For this reason, Kansas City needs a Lupus support group. I plan to start one soon.

Best news for last, DRUM ROLL PLEASE! I have started physical activities again! Now this doesn't necessarily sound like a big deal, but it's been at least two months. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines, it's time for me to try. I have decided to join the swim team and thanks to some of my high school friends I am slowly, but determined to learn all the strokes. I am not allowing my disease to define me as a person and to stop my passion for sports. Try outs are November 14th.

I do not need to go to the hospital for two weeks. This is the first time in a long time! :-)

Thank you again for checking daily for extra blog posts. I continue to read comments and write fulheartedly in each entry.

I guess you can officially say, "Here comes the sun, it's alright.."