Even If

9/30/17

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I would be a liar if I said that the song Even If by MercyMe didn't describe how I feel right at this moment.

I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

And it's way easier to give advice when you feel strong and powerful like nothing is going to bring you down- but that is not the case today. And this will not be my best post, but I promise it will be one of the most genuine and honest. 

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I am broken. Completely, utterly broken and it took me 5 months to accept it. It took me 5 months to realize it's okay to be hurt and sad and lost. It's okay to be uncertain about the future and past. It's okay to not always put on a happy face. And today, I wept. I stopped my car, music still on, and wept. I cried to the Lord asking Him -'why' and he responded with:

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

So I did. I prayed for my sorrow to go away. And I don't think they go away completely, but it does make my burden lighter because it reminds me I am not alone. I have a God who has faith in me and knows I can. 

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I'm still uncertain. Still hurt, but I have faith that the future is bright. It only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain and I hope to move many mountains with the Lord's guiding hand. The Lord has provided me with people along my way to get there and I am beyond blessed. 

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know I am a loved Daughter of God and I know you are divine Child of God as well. I am not afraid of my weaknesses and sadness and I will overcome it with the help of my loving Savior. 

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul