The Honest Truth

Honesty. It's a weird concept. We are told to be honest all the time, but yet we hide most of our feels under a mask we create for ourselves. When we are sad, we pretend to be happy. When we are lost, we pretend to know what we are doing. When we want to ball our eyes out, we laugh. When we feel insecure, we pretend to be the most confident person in the room. It's a "fake it until you make it" mentality. But, you want honesty? College is nothing that I expected.

I'm not necessarily saying it's bad- I love it! I've made a lot of really amazing memories in just the short amount of time I've been here. But to say I was great right off the bat, would be the biggest lie ever. I wish somebody warned me that I'd miss my parents. I wish somebody would've warned me that I would cry a lot. I wish somebody would've told me I'd miss the meerkats (if you know, you know.) I wish someone would've warned me that I would feel like a minority; that I'd still carry the same baggage as I did in Missouri.

It's like the song, 'Been in a new town, got the same issues to work through. Turns out when you move you just take them all with you. Now I'm missin' Kansas City.' I feel this so bad. 

I miss home a lot. At first it was really hard to make friends. I felt lonely, sometimes I still feel that way. You can catch me eating lunch sometimes alone in the Wilkinson Center. 

On one of the first nights I was here, there was a dance for both the housing units on campus. I had to bounce around for my job. My friends and I started off at Helaman and then made our way to Heritage. Okay, for my KC friends- I'm about to surprise you- I did not dig the dances. I know, big shocker! But like, can you imagine trying to insert yourself into a group? Yeah, that was me. It was awkward. I was awkward. You could tell who wanted to make friends with who. 

At Heritage, my friend and I ended up leaving the dance early and walking back to Helaman. On the way back, I broke down. I cried. Oh, also, for my KC friends- I have cried a lot here. I don't know why...we are just going to say I'm filled with the spirit. But I told my friend how I was struggling to make friends. I know a lot of people on campus, but you can know a lot of people and not feel close to anyone. I want to form intimate connections with people. I want to learn about people's whole life and listen to their story- I'm not going to be able to do that over loud music. 

I mentioned how even though I felt alone, I knew I was here for a reason and how I knew Heavenly Father wants me here. It's a miracle that I'm even here. And sometimes, I have to think about that to remind myself that it'll all get better. It will all get better with time; God's time. 

And it's like God heard my silent plea. My friend and I saw two people we were talking to earlier and we ended up leaving the dance early with them to go to Merrill hall to play games. Right when I stopped trying to make friends, people came pouring in. Twelve people joined in to play, and most of them I still hang with! 

It was then that I realized that if I'm going to make any friends that I need to be completely Hailey Deeds. And let me tell ya, that has entailed a lot of singing in public, walking around Helaman halls carrying a jukebox, and making plenty of music videos. 

Behind the scenes of music video!! 

Oh also weird thing, I have like I guess guy friends?? I don't know I swear I feel so blessed. They are all so great and I just see the light of Christ in all of them. 

Provo Temple with the pals 

When my parents left me, it was the hardest thing ever. I asked them to drop me off at the temple before they left and as soon as I walked through those doors, I started crying hysterically. I think it was the fact that I have relied on them for so long and I have always wanted to grow up. Now it's here and I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this alone. 

The Temple President saw me and I explained that I was a freshman and that I missed my family. He didn't try to tell me my feels would go away, rather he told me that he was glad I was here. And that's what I needed most. Reassurance that I was making the right decision.

Volleyball game!!

I can't explain how many times I have had the thoughts of oh my gosh, I should have gone to Michigan State or BYU Hawaii!!! 

But, even walking out of the temple, I was given the same reassurance that I was here for a reason. I just needed to trust in God's plan. 

Each day gets better. Each day I am reminded of how much God loves me. I witness tender mercies in literally everything. From simply seeing how my friends can distract me from even the worst of feelings. From seeing how much they love me. From playing a mean game of spicy uno. From talking to my roommates late at night. Even from writing this blog. I am recalling how lucky I am to have this opportunity. 

The Roomies!!

I love BYU. Yeah, it has it's moments. Sometimes I wish I could buy a plane ticket and go home, but I am finally meeting the people I think that I will tell my kids about someday. I often think about my dad's experience and the stories he tells me. It's weird to think that someday I might get the chance to tell some of my own. I guess, I'll start now. 

This is me telling you the honest truth. It's okay to be sad and miss home. Change is scary. But, it will get better. You will find your people. They will make you happy and they will keep you up late. And sometimes, you'll be mad about it, but mostly you'll just feel lucky that you have people that will laugh at you when you run into a wall and after they get done laughing they'll ask you if you're okay or when you really want to dance around they will be willing to embarrass themselves with you and dance around campus. Find those people. 

The Ward!!

And remember, trust in the Lord's timing. He might just surprise you. He's constantly surprising me.  

Love,

Hailey